Over the last few months things have been running pretty smoothly and the impact of my ADHD traits have been somewhat softer, less challenging; behaviours that I can just brush off as things that "everyone does from time to time" It has made me doubt myself, the dreaded imposter syndrome rearing it's ugly head again, and question whether I have any right to occupy this space, when I know so many others are impacted to a much greater extent and face far tougher challenges than I do.
I am very aware of my privilege and the support I have around me which certainly goes a long way to tempering things that could make the world a much harsher place. I have justified being in this space, with this "softer' version of the neurotype, by telling myself that it gives me the understanding and empathy to really "get it" when talking to and supporting others whose struggles are more real, and that this is my gift and my calling into the world of Neurodiversity support. However the last couple of weeks I have been reminded of how much it can impact me and those around me, and has confirmed what I already knew to be true, I am certain that I have ADHD.
Over the last three and a half years I have deeply researched, refined and clarified my knowledge, and this together with my lived experience has brought me to the conclusion that neurodivergent traits only become an issue if they are having a significant impact on your physical, emotional and mental wellbeing, and it is often context that highlights or accepts these characteristics.
The context of the modern world, our move further away from being part of nature, societal expectations and measures of success, continuous exposure to toxins, harsh unreal/bright/noisy environments and pressure to conform; along with internal changes in environment, such as illness or hormonal fluctuations, all become stressors on a neurodivergent brain and try to bend us in a direction that doesn't really suit us.
To illustrate this, I like to think of a seal in her two different contexts. When in the water she swims elegantly and effortlessly, everything seems easy and natural, if you change her context by putting her on land, she is still able move, but this requires a considerable amount more effort, puts her nervous system under a lot more stress and is very difficult to sustain for any length of time, unless she takes a lot of rest.
I had been finding things somewhat smoother in recent months, feeling more like a seal in water; largely, I believe due to the fact that I have found my Ikigai, the Japanese concept that describes the sweet spot where your passion, mission, vocation and profession all converge, basically I have found a job that I love, I'm good at, does good and (will eventually) earn me a living.
However over the last two weeks I have been increasingly noticing the impact of certain traits/characteristics. With my current knowledge I can frame these traits under the heading of executive function challenges, variable attention and sensory processing differences.
Using these headings as a framework helps me to identify the areas that are causing an issue and better understand why this is happening. It also gives me a starting place for working out how to move forward.
Response Inhibition/impulsivity -
I have been less able to resist the urge to spend money on things I really don't need, not to any uncontrollable level, but definitely different to what has been normal for me.
I have felt unable to resist temptation in the form of food, eating everything and anything within reach, when I am fully aware that this doesn't serve my wellbeing in the long run.
Working memory
I have struggled to hold a thought or action in my head for more than a few moments, as evidenced by:
- lots of half started tasks littered around the house
- misplaced items
- doors left unlocked
- forgotten appointments
- forgotten important birthdays
-leaving the iron on
Emotional regulation
My emotions have been very up and down with feelings of intense happiness one moment followed by deep sadness, back to contentment all in the space of a few minutes.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) taking anything anyone says that could possibly be conceived as negative, extremely personally, even perceiving a change in expression, tone of voice or demeanour, as a criticism - for me the result is usually tears, which I just don't seem to be able to stop, even though I know rationally it's ridiculous and makes no sense to the other person
Frustration to the point of rage, and feeling the need to throw or smash something, when things don't go to plan.
Task initiation
Getting started on a task that I know needs doing seems almost impossible, unless there is a looming deadline. This is particularly worrying at the moment, as I have a few deadlines in the slightly distant future, which aren't quite close enough to give me a kick up the bum, but if I miss them could have a significant impact on my future.
Sustained attention
If I have been able to start a task, sustaining attention on it is variable, particularly if it is not something I am interested in.
On the flip side, my hyper focus has been in overdrive, and when I start a task I do find interesting(usually something low priority) I have become stuck in it for hours to the exclusion of eating, drinking, going to the toilet or sleeping (i.e. writing this blog!)
Planning and prioritising
"The bees in my head" I can see a million tasks that need doing, but struggle to prioritise these, as I described to my husband, "it's like there are hundreds of bees buzzing in my head, and as I walk around the house more bees fly in, and out and they are all buzzing at the same volume, so I can't work out which one to listen to first".
I have also been struggling to plan or even think about meals for the family, there has been very little food in the house, and everyday at 5pm I think "what the hell am I going to feed my family tonight?!" - yes, it surprises me every single day! consequently I have had to appease some very hangry teenage boys.
Organisation
I struggle with organisation of paperwork in particular, even important stuff, in the last week this has lead to the loss of a premium bond certificate belonging one on my children! it's particularly hard to let yourself off the hook when it impacts someone else.
Time management/time blindness/time bending/changes in circadian rhythms
An abiding trait that has always been an issue for me, I am always late, never ridiculously so, but usually at leat 10-15 minutes. I now realise that I don't have an internalised sense of time, and so if I look at the clock and see that I have 10 minutes to get ready, the image of that time sticks in my head and doesn't move forward, I just don't have a concept that time is moving. Rationally I realise this is happening, but I still seem to think that it stands still or moves backwards!
Time also changes according to the activity, as they say "time flies when you're having fun" especially if I am in hyperfocus mode, conversely it goes so slowly if doing something that doesn't hold my interest. Because of these factors I don't know how long anything takes, and therefore find it very challenging to manage the time I have to fit in the tasks/activities I need to.
My circadian rhythm seems to have shifted. I have always been more of an owl than a lark, relying on others in my family to help me stay in a functional sleep routine, however I'm finding it difficult to sleep if I go to bed at the wrong time and this impacts on all of my executive functions the next day, sending me into a bit of a vicious circle.
Goal directed persistence
Despite the fact that I have found my "Ikigai" there are steps I need to complete to make this happen formally, however relating the end goal to those tasks seems like an hypothetical concept - for me there is "now" and "not now" and working on the steps to get there can seem totally abstract.
Flexibility
As stated when talking about emotional regulation, if things don't go to plan this can cause extreme frustration to the point of rage.
conversely I can be very flexible, and seek out change and novelty, this can be difficult if I am trying to be consistent and stick to a routine
Meta-cognition
The ability to think about how I am thinking. Another strength for me I think (although others might disagree) This is an area that has developed considerably since my self discovery and identification of my neuro-spicy brain. Now that I understand these executive functions and the impact they can have I can objectively look at my reactions and give an explanation to all of them.
Sensory Processing differences
Although this is a persistent problem, It is heightened at the moment. I am extremely aware of the clothing I am wearing, labels, seams and waistbands.
I am hyper aware of any little cut, ache or niggle to the point that I can't block it out and it distracts me from what I am doing.
I am also a lot less tolerant of noises, especially competing sounds, for example someone speaking to me when there are other conversations going on around me, loud or sharp noises like plates and cutlery clattering together (I have to leave the room or put in loop earplugs if someone else is emptying the dishwasher)
As much as I try to ignore them, I have come to the point that I need to acknowledge that all of the above are having a significant impact on my physical, emotional and mental wellbeing.
Looking objectively at this information, as if I were evaluating the evidence on behalf of someone else, I can see the impact on my day to day life. When supporting someone else in this situation I would always go back to context (remember the Seal out of water?) and look at what has changed in my current context, environment (internal and external) or situation. When I do this I remember that I have recently had a holiday, and so broke my routine, this has meant that some of the strategies that I had put in place and had become part of my daily pattern have been interrupted and as is often the case, I don't remember how helpful these strategies are until I feel the effects of their absence. There have also been changes in my internal environment (hormonal fluctuations as well as having a cold)
Now that I have been able to identify this I can start to try and reintroduce the things that work for me. As simple as that may seem, this can also be a challenge when you have ADHD, despite understanding the benefits. This is where the larger tool kit comes in, and it becomes a question of testing each one out until I find one that does the job. I know it will happen, it's just a question of how long it takes.
The biggest difference for me, now that I have this knowledge and self understanding, is that my internal monologue has completely changed (for the most part at least) Instead of saying unhelpful things to myself like "just sort your life out" "Why can't you just do adulting like everyone else?" " why are you so lazy/messy/disorganised...?" I now understand how my brain works, that it isn't a flaw or fault, but a different wiring, and that when it's becoming a challenge I need to do something to change the context, environment(internal and external) or situation. This knowledge has been life changing and although I'm still a work in progress, I have made huge leaps since learning this.
I hope you have found this blog helpful. If any of it resonates and you would like to find out more about the support we offer visit www.theumbrellahub.org , or contact me directly to discuss coaching options.
Onitha Jarrold is an Occupational therapist with a special interest in neurodiversity and ADHD in particular. She has past experience working with neurodivergent children and is trained in health and executive function coaching as well as sensory integration.
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